tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77454255208945583242024-02-08T11:51:34.445-08:00Why Things Annoy MePhillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-44232316245457766062014-05-15T10:44:00.000-07:002014-05-15T10:44:11.470-07:00Fast Food LineupsAs you might have gleaned from reading some of my bullshit
here, I travel a lot; which usually means I eat out a lot. And that means fast food sometimes;
especially at the airport.<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Airports mean long lines insofar as getting any type of fast
food.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although unto itself that is annoying, here is what is
really fucking annoying - waiting for people to order.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You really only have one purpose standing in a fast food
line:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>namely, figuring out what the fuck
you are going to order when it’s your turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The line is long and there is nothing to do but figure out your
order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So just do it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When you get to the front, I don’t want to see you start
rubbing your jaw or scratching your head, saying “Hmmmm, what will I have….” Or
asking if the “value meal” drink can be substituted for bottled water. Or any
other absurdity.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I really wanted to explain it to the guy in front of me
yesterday: Hey, Asshole, what the fuck have you been doing in line the last 10
minutes besides checking your match.com emails or calling your stupid friends
to tell them where you are?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have one job and one job only:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>figure out what you want and then order it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are not at “Chez Jacques” or “Le Cirque”; you actually order by meal number, so fucking pick one so the rest of us can get on with our lives.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Numbnuts.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So the next time any nimrod in front of you starts being
annoying by not having his order ready when called, do what I did last week:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>politely say, “Hey you mind
if I step ahead of you – I’m all ready to order.” It shocks the person, and while they stand there dumbfounded, you blurt out to the cashier "I'll have the Number 4 to go". Worked perfectly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hopefully, it will catch on to people worldwide that we all
have shit to do while they are figuring out that life changing decision whether
to have chicken tenders, a fish sandwich or that greasy burger.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-23781480213929406032014-05-15T09:58:00.000-07:002014-05-15T09:58:09.692-07:00Boarding the Plane<div class="MsoNormal">
Memo #42 to Airlines: Boarding and De-Planing<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The “pre-boarders” now seem to outnumber the regular
boarders on our airlines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m cool with
the “families with young children” thing, but today the “young children” are
not so young anymore when I watch them board first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear one kid had a five o’clock shadow
when boarding with his parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also swear I saw a guy pre-boarding with a cane windsurfing the day before in front of my house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For real.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get the elderly, I get the slow moving people, I get the
wheelchairs. I get the kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And bravo
if you can fake out the gate agents with some mystery ailment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But here’s the thing:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>when you pre-board because of one of the aforementioned impediments, when
we land - STAY ON THE FUCKING PLANE AND SIT DOWN SO WE CAN DE-PLANE FIRST.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can’t have it both ways: if you are so “boarding
challenged” getting on the plane, then stay the fuck down when we land, because
the same rules apply for you getting off.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Dicks.<o:p></o:p></div>
Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-33294390829827404752014-03-05T17:03:00.002-08:002014-03-05T17:38:03.013-08:00I Get Even With The TSA<div class="MsoNormal">
You are all gonna think I made this up, but it actually happened. I know, because I had been plotting it for about 2 years, then finally mustered up the courage to follow through.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fly about 100,000 miles a year, and spend a lot of time in airports, and airport lines.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’ve all been there hundreds of times: lining up for countless
security checks at airports, waiting to go on our flight somewhere.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We go through the routine of showing our Passport and Boarding
Pass 11 times before we even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get</i> to
out departure gate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s getting
ridiculous. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, of course, annoying.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At LAX (Los Angeles Airport) you first show your Passport
and Boarding pass at a security checkpoint at the bottom of an escalator, which
leads you to the X-Ray machines lineup at the top.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, after you pass this first checkpoint, when you get to
the top of the escalator you have to show it again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the entire time, the TSA agent at the top
is watching you go UP the escalator.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I mean, what the fuck can happen to you and your ID between
the bottom of an escalator and the top?? I actually had this exchange with a
TSA agent at the top of the escalator.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Passport and boarding pass please….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I just showed it down there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(pointing to the bottom of the<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>escalator)
And you watched me come all the way up the escalator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you
notice anything unusual?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No, but its policy…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You really think I could organize a terror
cell and full plan of attack in <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>the
14 seconds it took me to come up this escalator???<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sir!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you are going to be difficult I am going to refuse you security<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>entry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This, of course, is the ultimate threat by the $10/hour TSA
dopes who didn’t make it past 11<sup>th</sup> grade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are power-drunk with knowing they have
been granted some authority to fuck up our travel plans.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So as travelers, we have to put up with this. We are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">forced</i> to accept the wisdom and
authority of some who has trouble stringing 3 cohesive sentences together.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But recently, I got even. Big time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Usually, I travel with a zip-up hoodie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a good travel jacket: very comfortable.
Also, planes tend to be cold, so if it gets warm it is easy to take off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus the hoodie makes a nice pillow to sleep
on - especially if I’m hungover.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every time I go through security, they always ask me to take
off the hoodie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to argue that it has a plastic zipper, and there was no need to take it off since I was going through a body scanner, but
I just gave up. You can’t argue effectively with these guys.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, a few months ago when I was flying through LAX again, BEFORE
I got to the airport I decide to put on the hoodie, but this time with no shirt underneath. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I zipped it right up to the top and then got to the airport
and ready to go through security.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure
enough, one of the TSA storm troopers stops me before I put my stuff on the X-ray
machine.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA#1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sir, you have to remove your jacket<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Me:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Why?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA#1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>All jackets, belts and shoes have to
be removed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Me:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
sure I have to take this off?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA #1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>For sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please take it off.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now here is where the timing was simply fucking
beautiful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wait a few seconds, while
the TSA agent goes over to another line and starts in with the commands to the
crowd behind me about “no gels, containers over 5 ounces, etc”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I take off the hoodie and put it on the conveyor belt
to go through X-Ray.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So there I am, standing bare chested, getting ready to walk through the full size X-Ray machine when another TSA agent comes barreling over in a
complete fucking panic.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA #2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>SIR!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Me:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>(pointing to the TSA agent who
told me to take off the hoodie)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span><br />
She
told me I had to take my jacket off.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA #2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> (looking at TSA #1) </span>She did?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, because of the commotion, about 5 other agents come
racing over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>(again pointing to TSA #1) That
agent there told me I had to<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span><br />
take
off my hoodie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t you??<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA#1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well, yes I did, but I didn’t know
you weren’t wearing anything<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>underneath
it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Well, you should have asked.
You just said I had to take it off.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>I
didn’t want to but you made me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I am putting the hoodie back on, to practically a
standing ovation from the people behind me in the line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One guy wants to take a picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Almost e</span>veryone is smiling and cracking up amid all the confusion - except the foreigners who seem worried by it all......<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, the TSA agents all huddle around wondering what to do,
even though I have put the jacket back on. I'm sure it is all on camera in Washington somewhere.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA#2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sir, we have to write this up as a
report.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> ME: </span>Go to it. I did <i>exactly</i> what I was told to do. Now, for the record, I’m going to write up a report of my own and send it to the Department of Homeland Security, to the attention of the Director. (shaking my head) Making folks take their clothes off like that….<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get through the body scan machine and start picking my
stuff off the conveyor belt after X-Ray.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The TSA people are still meeting about what just happened,
and there is confusion everywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
supervisor walks over. I jump in front of her before taking off for my
departure gate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>You know, not one person
offered me an apology after making<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>me
take off my jacket and having to stand there half naked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Sir, sorry for the
misunderstanding there…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>There was no misunderstanding;
I did exactly what was asked of
me… <br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Well in the future tell them
ahead of time you don’t have<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>anything
on underneath the jacket.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Why do I have to do that?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>TSA:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>So we can avoid this situation
again…..<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I left the area and looked around behind me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were going to be meetings and reports
for the next 2 weeks over this incident. I mean it was a fucking work of art!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hopefully, in the future they adopt a “Phil” rule whereby they have to ask
people if they have anything on underneath the jacket they are wearing before
asking them to remove it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, in the meantime, I take daily satisfaction knowing I
took the TSA to task, even if only for one day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Knuckleheads.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-13106921389289640002014-03-05T16:56:00.001-08:002014-03-05T17:32:09.448-08:00Christmas Shopping in Kelowna<div class="MsoNormal">
It was great to be back in Kelowna, B.C. for Christmas
Holidays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also thought it would be nice
to do a little Christmas shopping while there; you know, pump a little money
into the local economy. Thought the local business would be prepared to grab my
hard earned loot.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HUGE mistake.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most annoying shopping experience of all time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stores in Kelowna are exactly like window shopping; there is one of everything on display, but nothing is ever in stock to actually buy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I decide to buy “Windows 2” tablets for all the kids for
Xmas so I first visit “The Future Shop”; a sort of Canadian “Best Buy” wannabe.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After form-tackling a “service” representative named Garth (you know electronic- store-sales-guy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>bad breath, perv moustache starter kit, bad B.O. and messy, unwashed
hair)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hey Garth – you lucked out today – I
need 4 Surface 2 tablets…..<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Hmmmm…..not
sure if we have any.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>You
don’t have any?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At Christmas?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most important shopping <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>time
of the year??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you sure? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth (enthusiastically):<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Well,
if it’s in stock, we got it!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Wow,
thanks for the incredible insight, Garth. And let me guess, if it’s NOT in stock you don’t have
it.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth looks a little puzzled my remark, but he ambles off to
check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After 10 minutes he returns:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Bad
News. We’re all out of Surface 2 tablets.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>This
is hard to believe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One week before
Christmas and you don’t <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span><br />
have
any product to sell??<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Yeah,
I guess we shoulda ordered more here….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lets shift gears. Fuck the tablets,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you got any “GoPro” <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>cameras.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth screws up his face like he is about to be tortured,
which of course, he is.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>No,
we sold outta those a few days ago.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>No
wonder you guys are always in receivership, (which is true) you <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>never have anything
to sell.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>You
want me to get the manager?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Whats
he gonna do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give me some bullshit story
about how this store <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>never
gets what they want from the main warehouse, etc etc etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I'm outta here.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Merry
Christmas!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> No, it isn't thanks to y</span>ou
and your shitty store</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, off I go to the only other big box electronics store in
Kelowna called “Best Buy Canada”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, in between stores I get a text from my friend in Belize
who asks me to buy him a MacBook Pro., which he cannot get there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More shit to buy now. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is in addition to the 4 surface tablets I want to buy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I venture over to Best Buy Canada, and the same routine
of having to get a sales person happens again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But alas, I get a real geek; one that seems to revel in the fact he
works at an electronics store.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hi Wendell, have lots to buy here
today, so let’s get to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need 4 <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>surface 2
tablets, and Macbook Pro 512GB – with the 17” screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not bad – about a $4500 order.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wendell: Hmmmm…….Ahhhhh……Hmmmmmm……Ummmmm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Lemme
check on the tablets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think we might be
all out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>The week before Christmass??
All out?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surely you jest <span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> W</span>endell.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Wendell:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Gimme a second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And let me check stock for that <span style="mso-tab-count: 6;"> </span>Macbook
Pro.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wendell leaves and comes back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is walking with his head down so I know
it’s bad news.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Wendell:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Bad news on both fronts,
sir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing in stock on any of <span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> </span>those
items.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(incredulous)<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How,
possibly can a store this size not have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">any
</i>of these <span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> </span>items.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And even more so the week before
Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Worse, why
do you even have them on display?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t buy them so I insist you take
them away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s misleading the
buying public. We foolishly think you guys actually
have a business here….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Wendell:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
want me to get the manager?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Please. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Several minutes later the manager shows up, and even though
Wendell has given him the heads up, I further explain it is misleading to put
items out for sale when in fact you don’t have them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Manager:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well, we can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">order</i> the items for people.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>For when, Easter delivery?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Manager:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I understand you’re upset.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>No, I’m not upset.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am disgusted that a major electronics store has
next to nothing in stock, yet continues to advertise it is in business.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Manager:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well, we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i> in business.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is your business?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Manager:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Selling electronics.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>And how are you doing so far
with me today in performing <span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>your
business plan?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Manager:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not very well.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>ME:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Uh-huh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gimme the name and email of the guy who is
the <span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>district
manager, or is in charge of ordering for this store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He needs
an email slapping.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The manager writes this down and I leave the store, with one
last place to try and spend my hard earned money:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a drugstore chain, believe it or not, called
London Drugs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They actually have a decent selection of electronics, and
are great at service, but they are small.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get there, and there is nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, absolutely nothing in stock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I go easy on the guy because their chief
business is selling pharmacy shit and small appliances.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, my apologies to all my relatives who were supposed to
get the Surface 2 tablet or GoPro camera:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>you will have
to make do with gift cards this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But make a point of going down to these retailers and explaining
how you got jobbed out of a tablet because they can’t count right.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Absolutely unbelievable.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-46116621693426278982013-12-19T18:17:00.001-08:002013-12-19T18:17:21.456-08:00"No Worries"<div class="MsoNormal">
"No Worries"</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fuck, this saying annoys me to no end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do people insist on using it all the
time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, what the fuck does it even
mean?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I go shopping today and buy some groceries, and finish the
checkout by paying with a U.S. debit card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Because I am in Canada i</span>t doesn’t work, so I use a Canadian one. Then the checkout girl starts
in:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Geez, I have to
remember to use my Canadian card from now on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No worries.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I wasn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">worried</i> - just have to remember this in
the future.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her: (again):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
worries.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait a
minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you </i>that has “no worries” or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i>
that is to have no worries. Are you actually erasing all my worries?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dazed, confused, look by her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her: Um, I’m just saying “no worries” to you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I have
absolutely NO worries?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are telling
me I am now totally, 100% worry free?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you do that?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Um, I think
there is a misunderstanding here.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Yeah, there is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>First, when you say this, it is confusing as to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">who, </i>exactly,
has nothing to worry about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Second, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">if</i> by some magical, divine interlude
either of us were given the ability to wipe way a person’s worries, it’s highly
doubtful we would both be standing here doing what we are doing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thoughtful Daze Now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see your
point.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Success!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am slowly succeeding in educating the masses about this idiotic saying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I leave the store feeling slightly elated that there is one
less moron who will utter these stupid words.<o:p></o:p></div>
Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-49153084923324064092013-12-18T10:23:00.004-08:002013-12-18T10:23:49.960-08:00Restaurant Bathrooms<div class="MsoNormal">
Going out to eat at great restaurants can be fun, but I hate
the challenge of the bathrooms. No, not using them – finding out which one to
go into.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m in a great Sushi joint in New York and after a few
beers, nature suddenly calls.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walk into the bathroom area where there are 2 different
doors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given the recently popular
unisex bathrooms, I think this might be the case here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However there are 2 different symbols on the
doors so I know one has to be the “Mens” and one the “Womans”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But which one is which? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One door has a symbol that looks like a woodchuck fucking a
vacuum and the other one looks like a cross between a hummingbird and a spider.
What the fuck?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wait to see if anyone comes out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No luck. Then I hang around to see if anyone
else can figure this shit out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No luck.
Now I really have to go after downing 3 beers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I slowly open one door to check if there are urinals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nope.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I check the other one, and…. success!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All this trauma to take a simple pee break.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So an open Memo to all restaurant owners: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Put a simple
fucking “M” or “W” on the door, or give us the clever play on words if you have
an ethnic or themed joint (you know, “Lads/Lasses”, “Kings/Queens”, etc.) so we
can quickly go in and get our business done.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t make us sit there wetting our pants while we try to
figure out your shitty artwork/symbolism on the bathroom door.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dickwads.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-20676131473463125072011-11-19T15:27:00.000-08:002011-11-19T17:35:54.312-08:00Fans in JerseysThe word "Fan" is short for "Fanatic" when used in the context of cheering for any event.<br />
<br />
I like being a fan, as most of you do too.<br />
<br />
But sometimes it goes a little too far. <br />
<br />
What annoys me are the people wearing game Jerseys of their team to sporting events, or even when they are just going out and <i>not</i> to a game..<br />
<br />
I mean, c'mon...<br />
<br />
Last week I see a guy wearing an L.A. Kings jersey, for Anze Kopitar.<br />
<br />
I yell out to him, "Hey, nice game last night" He gives me a stunned, confused look.<br />
<br />
I keep going:<br />
<br />
ME: Great game last night<br />
<br />
HIM: Oh... no... I don't play for the team, I'm just wearing the jersey.<br />
<br />
EXACTLY! Take it off douchebag.<br />
<br />
<br />
Even worse is going over to a friend's place and having to look at the idiot's wearing jerseys while we are watching a game on TV.<br />
<br />
As my friend Whitney says, "Do I dress up as a dead hooker when I'm at home watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit???"<br />
<br />
So leave the fucking player Jersey's off when your going out with your chick or watching sporting events on television. Let the <i>real</i> players wear them so I don't have to watch some overweight bald guy with an XXXXL jersey strut around like he's going into the game soon.<br />
<br />
Dopes.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-52751612674654401722011-09-26T18:14:00.000-07:002011-09-26T18:16:46.383-07:00PARKING<div class="MsoNormal">OK. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I finally solved one of life’s big annoyances, by being annoying right back. Confused? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Read on….<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I mean, I cannot believe I didn’t figure this out sooner.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If it sounds like I’m so excited I’m going to pee my pants, it’s because I am.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We’ve all been here before:<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We go to the mall and it’s really busy. We drive around looking for a spot to park.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Finally, we spot a guy or girl walking to their car, see them pull out the keys, and stop in front of their car. Many of us ask “Hey are you leaving?” to which the person usually answers yes.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So this exact thing happens to me a few weeks ago. The mall parking lot is ridiculously busy, and finally a guy starts making his way my direction to his car.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: Hey Pal – you pulling out?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">HIM: Yup. Busy day huh?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: Yeah – can’t find a spot and I’m in a rush….thanks!<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So here’s where it gets annoying.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">First the guy takes way too long putting his packages in the car. Making sure everything is exactly placed in the back seat.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Then the guy gets in his car. Instead of pulling out, he starts doing all sorts of shit in his car; adjusting the mirror (like he needs this), looking at his cell phone, searching around the back seat at his packages once again, and doing God-Knows-What-Else.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now, its been about 5 minutes and I still don’t see the reverse lights come on indicating he’s gonna pull out.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Fuck this guy. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He thinks he is gonna torture me by taking an inordinate amount of time pulling out.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So here’s what I do.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I pull RIGHT UP behind him so he can’t pull out without hitting me. He STILL is not making a move to leave.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Finally, the car goes into reverse and he shoulder checks behind and sees me pulled up close. He gives me a long stare and does some hand gestures. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I stay put.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Then he honks his horn and starts waving like a maniac.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I don’t move. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He then backs up about a foot, thinking I’m also gonna pull back, but nothing. Dead still.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Finally he gets out of his car.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">HIM: What is you fucking problem?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: (with the window rolled down about 2 inches) Nothing. No problem.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">HIM: Well, move your fucking car!!<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: In a minute. First I have a few things to do. (I start fumbling around)<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">HIM: What??????<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: Well, you took your sweet time fucking around before deciding to pull out, so now I’m taking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">MY</i> time backing up.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">HIM: (heated) Are you fucking nuts?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: Absolutely.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now he starts jumping up and down, swearing, and threatening to call the cops. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: Yeah, go ahead and call the cops, pal. I dare you.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Dude is now seriously getting upset and I am afraid he is going to have a stroke, so I pull back. I roll down the window.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">ME: You have 10 seconds to pull out or I’m gonna park it behind you for the rest of the day.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">HIM: Your fucking insane!!!!!<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I back up fully as he jumps in the car immediately and drives off. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">For the rest of the day I had such a strange feeling of contentedness, knowing I finally found a way to get even with these assholes that have been annoying me for decades.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s doubtful I’m gonna get the Pulitzer Prize for this, but at least I have the satisfaction of knowing how to deal with assholes like that in the future.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">NOTE: I would not suggest trying this with people bigger than you, guys with a lot of Tattoos, or anyone incoherently mumbling to themselves, as they may be insane.<o:p></o:p></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-71026726145374797092011-09-26T18:09:00.000-07:002011-09-26T18:09:39.420-07:00Gang Signs<div class="MsoNormal">I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook these days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not so sure why, but perhaps it’s the way I best keep in touch with my kids all over the North America.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Also, it’s a nice way to keep in touch with their friends as well.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There are always a lot of photos posted, mostly in drunken, compromising poses. Some are actually pretty funny.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But here’s what annoys me to no end:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People flashing gang signs in a lot of these photos.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Every fucking Facebook Page for someone under 25 has photos with them or their friends doing the gang signs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know the ones I mean: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>palms facing in - 3<sup>rd</sup> finger over fourth, or 4<sup>th</sup> finger tucked under 3<sup>rd</sup>, or the Crips/Bloods “C” done with both hands, and so on….<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I mean, really??<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Exactly what gang do all you whitebread idiots belong to?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The “living in my parents basement” Gang?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “I work at a shitty minimum wage job” Gang?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Child, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Please</i>….<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Where I live, if you flash those signs (and you don’t really know their meaning) to the wrong person, you may find a fist in your pie-hole or a shank in your stomach.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Leave the gang signs to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real</i> gangbangers who are killers, drug dealers, murderers, and so forth. Let <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">them</i> flash signs to one another.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Just keep your hands to yourself in these photos and listen to your real “Gang Leader” (your parents) and keep your room clean at home, cut the grass on time, and take the trash out on garbage day.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Retards.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><!--EndFragment-->Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-40146537090922775862011-03-08T22:20:00.000-08:002011-03-08T22:23:54.496-08:00Confusing Fast FoodOrdering food can be a challenge when morons are involved; I mean when it's them taking the order.<br />
<br />
What annoys me is that servers and fast food clerks CANNOT think outside the relentless franchise training they get.<br />
<br />
Case in point:<br />
<br />
Carls Jr. is one of my favorite fast food joints. I go in on the weekend and order.<br />
<br />
ME: I will have a Bacon Western Cheeseburger. Also, a large side of French Fries. And a medium Iced Tea.<br />
<br />
HER: So you want a combo?<br />
<br />
ME: No...the Cheeseburger. Side of large fries. Medium Iced Tea.<br />
<br />
HER: Well you can do a combo. That's a combo.<br />
<br />
ME: I don't want a combo. I want just what I ordered.<br />
<br />
HER: But sir, you can get the sandwich, medium fries and the medium drink in a combo and save $0.79<br />
<br />
ME: Well, first I don't want medium fries, I want large. Medium fries are in the combo you are trying to sell me.<br />
<br />
HER: Well, you can supersize it and it will still be cheaper.<br />
<br />
THE LINE IS NOW GETTING LONGER.<br />
<br />
ME: Look, are you gonna serve me this or not. <br />
<br />
HER: Um...sure...I guess.<br />
<br />
The Manager comes over when sees there is confusion.<br />
<br />
MANAGER (to Clerk): What is the trouble with the order?<br />
<br />
HER: Well he doesn't want a combo, but he wants everything that is IN a combo, but wants to order it separately.<br />
<br />
MANAGER: Sir, it's .79 cheaper to order a combo.<br />
<br />
ME: Well, as I explained, I don't want a combo like the one you have here - it has medium fries and I want large. I love the fries here.<br />
<br />
MANAGER (confused): Well you can "Big Size" it.<br />
<br />
ME: Yeah, but I don't want a large drink with that "Big Size"combo. I want a medium drink. The "Big Size" has a large drink.<br />
<br />
BOTH IF THEM NOW CLEARLY CONFUSED. THE MANAGER PUSHES ABOUT 37 BUTTONS ON THE REGISTER AND SHAKES HER HEAD.<br />
<br />
MANAGER: I never heard that one before.<br />
<br />
ME: Well, I like what I like...<br />
<br />
What happened to the good days when you just ordered what you wanted, and not some numbered "meal deal"?<br />
<br />
Idiots.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-189381478943295692011-01-15T01:06:00.000-08:002011-01-15T01:06:39.281-08:00Fresh FrozenI am back in Los Angeles enjoying all that is LA.<br />
<br />
The weather, people, and of course the food.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I decide to get some more fish in my diet, despite the fact I hate eating it. I decided the Omega 3 acid bullshit might have some validity.<br />
<br />
I cruise down to Santa Monica Seafood to buy some fresh fish.<br />
<br />
I get there and look at all the slabs laid out in the glass case.<br />
<br />
I decide on the salmon despite the fact I cannot stand it.<br />
<br />
The server asks me if he can be of help.<br />
<br />
HIM: Hi, can I help you?<br />
<br />
ME: Yeah. I wanna get some salmon. Is it fresh?<br />
<br />
HIM: Yes.<br />
<br />
ME: Fresh today? Or yesterday?<br />
<br />
HIM: It's fresh <i>frozen.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
ME: Fresh frozen????<br />
<br />
HIM: Yup.<br />
<br />
ME: So not fresh.<br />
<br />
HIM: Oh, Yeah. Fresh frozen.<br />
<br />
ME: Well, almost everything is fresh frozen. But is it fresh?<br />
<br />
HIM: YES!! As I said, it's fresh frozen.<br />
<br />
ME: Dude. Lemme explain something to you about the whole "fresh frozen" process. When Green Giant picks corn, it's fresh. Then they freeze it. Six months later when I grab it out of the freezer at the supermarket it's also <i>fresh frozen.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
CONFUSED LOOK.<br />
<br />
HIM: Yeah, but ours is fresh frozen.<br />
<br />
ME: So.....when was it frozen, and how long ago did you defrost it?<br />
<br />
HIM: Ummmmmm...... I'm not sure.<br />
<br />
ME: So two guys in a boat in Taiwan coulda caught this in October, <i>froze it</i>, shipped it to you guys where it stayed in your freezer, then you thawed it out and tell me it's fresh??<br />
<br />
HIM: Ummmmm..... I'm not sure... Do you want me to ask the manager?<br />
<br />
ME: Yeah.<br />
<br />
THE MANAGER COMES OVER.<br />
<br />
MANAGER: Hi. Whats your question?<br />
<br />
ME: Your guy here told me the salmon is fresh frozen. So it's not fresh.<br />
<br />
MANAGER: Oh sure it is. It's fresh frozen.<br />
<br />
ME: Yeah? Fresh frozen when? July? September? Last year?|<br />
<br />
MANAGER: Uhhhhh....Probably not that long ago.<br />
<br />
ME: Probably? Nice. Your sign says "fresh" but in fact it's been frozen, then thawed out. The frozen "Lean Cuisine" salmon casserole shit is also fresh frozen until I microwave it. Then suddenly it's fresh.<br />
<br />
MANAGER: Well that's the way we sell it.<br />
<br />
ME (in a loud voice): OK. I will have two slabs of the frozen salmon, caught whenever, then thawed out.<br />
<br />
PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE NOW LOOKING AT ME AND THE CONFUSED MANAGER<br />
<br />
MANAGER: OK.<br />
<br />
GUY BEHIND ME: Yeah, and why don't you throw in some day old bread from last week?<br />
<br />
We laugh.<br />
<br />
Triumph.<br />
<br />
So next time your fish store pulls this bullshit with you, ask them to explain to you why "fresh frozen" is different from fresh.<br />
<br />
Dicks.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-42850326354739437522011-01-15T00:19:00.000-08:002011-01-15T00:19:23.706-08:00Merry Fucking ChristmasChristmas annoys me.<br />
<br />
Well, I guess not the <i>day </i>Christmas - just the whole particulars of Christmas.<br />
<br />
For example, the whole fake bullshit greeting "Merry Christmas" you get from almost everyone you run into from about December 1 to 25th makes no sense.<br />
<br />
Every jack-wagon I run into says "Merry Christmas" to me for about 3 weeks before the actual day.<br />
<br />
Now this really annoys me.<br />
<br />
Last time I checked, Christmas is December 25th, right?<br />
<br />
So why do people insist on the greeting "Merry Christmas" every day <i>before</i> this date?<br />
<br />
I don't get it.<br />
<br />
Why do people use this idiotic greeting in advance of actual Christmas Day?<br />
<br />
Why the moronic "Merry Christmas" greeting DAYS or WEEKS in advance of actual Christmas Day?<br />
<br />
Do we say "Happy Birthday" to a person for a few days or weeks before the actual day of somebody's birthday?<br />
<br />
Nope. We wait for the actual day.<br />
<br />
So keep the greeting "Merry Christmas" for the date of December 25th and stop jumping the fucking gun.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-78270819899082548722010-12-21T13:30:00.000-08:002010-12-21T17:40:07.585-08:00Happy Holidays!!No, No, No.<br />
<br />
I'm not wishing you all happy holidays with this post.<br />
<br />
I am writing about this annoying greeting we get THOUSANDS of times during the Holiday period; "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" - whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.<br />
<br />
Why "Happy Holidays" as a greeting or acknowledgement just over the Christmas holiday period?<br />
<br />
I mean, at Easter do we say "Happy Holidays?" Never.<br />
<br />
During the <i>summer holidays </i>do we walk up to people and say "Happy Holidays?" No, we don't.<br />
<br />
On <i>any </i>holiday other than Christmas do we use this idiotic expression? Nope.<br />
<br />
And, what the fuck is so "Happy" about buying useless shit we can't afford and giving it away to other people; enduring long lines and stupid questions at shopping malls and stores; having that relative coming to visit that will eat, drink and sleep at our crib for a few days?<br />
<br />
You know I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.<br />
<br />
So for the next few weeks, just say hello and leave it to us to determine just how "happy" the "holidays" really are.<br />
<br />
Bah, humbug.<br />
<br />
<br />
WARNING: Any douchebag who mutters "Happy New Year" to me after January 8th will be instantly slapped.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-659180096610026792010-12-15T14:01:00.000-08:002010-12-21T16:09:08.210-08:00Flying the "Friendly" SkiesI fly a lot.<br />
<br />
It used to be fun.<br />
<br />
I would get a buzz on, (to combat my fear of flying) flirt a bit with the skybitch (stewardess), bullshit the guy or girl next to me, and generally had an OK time.<br />
<br />
Not any more. All it is now, is annoying.<br />
<br />
After putting up with the full body pat-down at security, long lines, no real cutlery to use, drink minimums, and aging stewardesses, the charm has gone for me.<br />
<br />
Worse, the <i>process</i> of flying has gone mental.<br />
<br />
Every minimum wage TSA screener assumes your a terrorist or are about to hatch some evil scheme. All this from people who can't balance their checkbook properly or name all 50 States. Every move you make has about a thousand rules you have to follow.<br />
<br />
So now, I have to find ways to amuse myself so I don't fall over from boredom.<br />
<br />
I read, play games on the computer and phone, and pretend to sleep while I really read my seat-mates computer screen.<br />
<br />
So, I'm on a flight from St. Louis to L.A. a few months ago, and before we take off I am finishing up a call. When I am using my cellphone on a plane, I always use the earphones with the mouthpiece/speaker thing so I don't have to talk loud.<br />
<br />
After all, there is nothing worse than listening to some jack-off talking loudly into a phone about what important thing he is doing.<br />
<br />
We get the "power down all your personal devices" message on the intercom, and I finish my call and I turn off my phone. I unplug the phone from my headphones and put it on my lap. But, I keep the earphones in because I'm gonna listen to some music as soon as we are given the green light to do so. <br />
<br />
I just don't feel like rolling them up and putting them away.<br />
<br />
As we taxi out, the Stewardess comes over to me.<br />
<br />
HER: Sir, you have to remove you earphones.<br />
<br />
ME: There not plugged in. (I show her my phone is off and in my lap)<br />
<br />
HER: Doesn't matter, you have to take off your earphones.<br />
<br />
ME: Why?<br />
<br />
HER: Because if the Captain has to make an announcement, you won't be able to hear.<br />
<br />
ME: But I can hear <i>you</i> perfectly. The announcements they make on these planes are louder than a Rolling Stones Concert. (I hope this humor will help)<br />
<br />
HER: (annoyed) No, you have to take them out.<br />
<br />
ME: But there not in use, not plugged in. I need them for my ears to balance pressure. (I have no idea where this wonderful piece of bullshit came from but it sounded pretty good)<br />
<br />
HER: Sir, you have to take them out.<br />
<br />
ME: Buy Why??<br />
<br />
HER: It's an FAA rule that you can't have earphones in.<br />
<br />
ME: Wait a minute. Your telling me, the FAA has a rule thats says a guy can't have earphones in his ear even when they are not plugged into anything??<br />
<br />
HER: That's right.<br />
<br />
ME: I seriously doubt that is a rule.<br />
<br />
HER: Do you want me to get the Pilot?<br />
<br />
ME: Sure. I really would like to hear this explanation from him. I can't believe that would be a rule.<br />
<br />
<br />
The guy next to me now has put his book down, taken off his glasses, and is wondering how the "showdown at the OK Corral" is gonna go....<br />
<br />
HER: (daggers in her eyes) Well, I'm not going to bother him right before take-off and delay the flight.<br />
<br />
ME: Well, you suggested it.... I'm not going anywhere....<br />
<br />
HER: You could get into serious trouble if I report this.<br />
<br />
ME: Oh, I'm sure it's at least 25 to life for having earphones in your ear that are not plugged into anything...<br />
<br />
HER: I don't understand why you being so difficult.<br />
<br />
<br />
She STORMS back to her jump seat, buckles in, and stares at me. I smile back.<br />
<br />
Now, the guy next to me is almost pissing his pants with delight. I mean, he hasn't had this much excitement since putting a banana in the freezer on a Friday night.<br />
<br />
He shoots me a sly look. "You sure busted her ass, there"<br />
<br />
Once we reach cruising altitude, I tell him "next time the Stewardess comes by ask him when the Pilot is stopping by".<br />
<br />
"No way" he says, "I 'aint gettin' involved with this"<br />
<br />
So for the rest of the flight, I am Mr. Fucking Nice Guy to this Stew; thanking her for my drinks, telling her to have a nice day, and so on. Every time I do she smiles through gritted teeth. She's ready to fucking explode.<br />
<br />
The plane lands without any further incident, and of course without the Pilot coming out to see me.<br />
<br />
On the way out as she is doing the "Bye-Bye Now" thing to everyone I stop, smile a huge fucking smile, and say to her, "Hey, have a earphones kind of day"<br />
<br />
She glares at me. She looks ready to kill.....<br />
<br />
Thank goodness it's tough to have any sort of weapon on a plane.<br />
<br />
Otherwise I wouldn't be here telling you this story.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-46018306690727038222010-12-13T19:23:00.000-08:002010-12-16T15:43:19.150-08:00Yet Another Server...There's actually one decent Mexican joint in Kelowna, called DJ's.<br />
<br />
I get a big hankering for some Mexican chow one night so we go for dinner.<br />
<br />
We sit out on the patio.<br />
<br />
After 7 minutes of no one coming to our table, I am ready to leave. It's my own personal 7 minute rule: if no one contacts my table within 7 minutes of sitting down, I leave.<br />
<br />
I have done this at places ranging from IHOP to Morton's Steakhouse. I don't care if it's a busboy, hostess, hat check girl or sommelier; if no one talks to me in 7 minutes I'm gone. More on that one later, as I digress.<br />
<br />
As we are getting up to leave, the server finally comes over. She's about 26 and hot. I know right away it's gonna be trouble because hot servers are the worst; they think their decent looks and big tits can get them through anything, and guys will put up with any kind of service. <br />
<br />
Not me.<br />
<br />
She comes over. "I'll be right with you" she says. More waiting. <br />
<br />
Fuck it I say, let's go. But Christa calms me down and talks me into staying. <br />
<br />
We don't have drinks yet, so I actually get up, so inside to the bar, order 2 drinks and bring them over to the table myself.<br />
<br />
Because I am SO fucking beyond annoyed at this point, I decide to play the whole dinner out. Luckily, it's a nice day outside, as my dinner is already ruined because I am too annoyed to enjoy it. It's like being punch-drunk.<br />
<br />
She comes over, and gives us the phony friendly, forced smile greeting. <br />
<br />
HER: Hi..... Oh, I see you already got drinks. (giggles and more fake smiles)<br />
<br />
ME: Yeah, it's a self serve bar isn't it?<br />
<br />
CONFUSED LOOK<br />
<br />
HER: Ummm...no, I don't think so...<br />
<br />
ME: Oh. Well we've been here for so long I assumed it was self serve. I got these myself.<br />
<br />
HER: Hahahahaha. Oh, I get it now.<br />
<br />
COLD STARE. I don't even come close to cracking a smile.<br />
<br />
ME: No, I don't think you do..<br />
<br />
We order, and wait. I get up <i>again</i> and get more drinks, and she is oblivious to it all. I am actually so blown away by all of this, it's now funny. I mean how many times have you ever got up to get your own drinks after you are seated at a table in a restaurant?<br />
<br />
When our food arrives I ask for salt and pepper as there is none on the table. It does not arrive after 5 minutes, and I get up and get it myself as well.<br />
<br />
The salt and pepper never does arrive, and no explanation ever given.<br />
<br />
The meal thankfully ends and I ask for the bill.<br />
<br />
I am SO looking forward to getting the bill and stiffing this bimbo I am almost giddy with excitement. I sign, put my patented, bold-pencil, <b>$0.00</b> in the tip line, and write a small note about how shitty our experience is.<br />
<br />
I'm gonna tell the manager but figure a chick this stupid can't get a job anywhere else if they decided to fire her. After all, the "rub-and-tugs" are not hiring and she can't do much anything else...<br />
<br />
We leave.<br />
<br />
About a block away, I realize I have left my credit card in the little bill folder they give you when you pay. I hustle back double-time.<br />
<br />
As I'm walking up to our table to get my card back, our server is looking at the bill and reading.<br />
<br />
As much as I feel awkward, I approach her and ask for the card. She stares me down.<br />
<br />
She hands me the card and says, sarcastically, "Thanks"<br />
<br />
Because now I am DOUBLY annoyed, I go off on her explaining what a moron she is and I almost went to her manager to REALLY complain, so <i>she</i> should thank <i>me</i>.<br />
<br />
Like a dope, she flips her hand at me and utters the ultimate loser line: "whatever"<br />
<br />
So, all I can do now, is cross DJ's off the list.<br />
<br />
Fuck them forever.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-34534886072028489442010-12-12T21:53:00.000-08:002010-12-13T10:24:53.567-08:00"Enjoy"Ok, I can't help it. <br />
<br />
I know I promised to lay off the restaurant industry but I can't.<br />
<br />
I was gonna write about this later on, but because it happened to me a few times last weekend, I have to get it off my chest.<br />
<br />
"Enjoy"<br />
<br />
I am so fucking annoyed at all the servers in the Western World that use this idiotic word on a continual basis.<br />
<br />
This all sound familiar? :<br />
<br />
You order in a restaurant.<br />
<br />
The server brings the plates to the table and puts them down. Now comes the part that annoys me. The server looks at everyone, puts a shit-eating grin on their face, extends their hands, nods their head, and then says:<br />
<br />
"Enjoy"<br />
<br />
OK.<br />
<br />
First of all, fuck off. Second, I don't need a minimum wage asshole telling me to "enjoy"<i> anything.</i><br />
<br />
What, I dressed up, drove to your restaurant, parked the car, had a few drinks and some conversation, ordered, and just before eating, your telling me to "enjoy?" Thanks for the tip Dr. Phil.<br />
<br />
Am I the asshole here? I am out for an evening NOT enjoying? Do I look so miserable that the server has pity on me, then reminds me to enjoy??<br />
<br />
I have some really great advice for all you servers that say this: put the plates down, make some eye contact in case someone is confused about their order, shut the fuck up, and then go look after your other tables.<br />
<br />
We don't need you validating us to "enjoy" our food, as we came there for that very reason.<br />
<br />
Oh, and while your at it, wipe that phony fucking smile off your face.<br />
<br />
Enjoy!Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-5506144751710551222010-12-11T12:59:00.000-08:002010-12-16T15:46:16.872-08:00The "Coast"When I think about the things that annoy me, this might be the clear cut winner. I mean, the grand fucking champion of all things annoying to me. Ready?<br />
<br />
The Coast.<br />
<br />
Lemme explain....<br />
<br />
In Kelowna, a lot of people drive down to Vancouver on a regular basis, seeing how it is only about a four hour drive. <br />
<br />
But when they go, instead of just saying, "Hey, I'm going to Vancouver for the weekend" or "I'm working in Vancouver" they refer to that city as "The Coast"<br />
<br />
EXAMPLE:<br />
<br />
ME: What are you doing this weekend?<br />
<br />
MORON: Going down to "the Coast" to visit a few friends.<br />
<br />
ME: How have you been?<br />
<br />
MORON #2: Good - spending a lot of time down at "the Coast".<br />
<br />
I have been hearing this phrase now for 10 years, and every time I do, my pulse starts racing, my skin breaks out in hives, my nutsack tightens, and my blood begins to actually boil.<br />
<br />
Lets start with the obvious.<br />
<br />
When someone says they are "going to the Coast" my first thought is:<br />
<br />
Yeah? <i>What </i>Coast? There's fucking dozens of them, moron.<br />
<br />
For instance, <i>my </i>Coast is in Los Angeles. My friend Murray's coast is in Mexico. Old pal Nick's coast is in Belize. See, we all travel there on a frequent basus, and that is "the Coast" were on.<br />
<br />
But when someone says to me, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while", I don't reply, "Yeah, I've been down at the Coast". I say I've been in Los Angeles, even though Los Angeles is also a coast.<br />
<br />
Get it?<br />
<br />
Slowly, I am educating the masses. To wit, about 3 months ago:<br />
<br />
ME: What are you doing this weekend?<br />
<br />
HIM: I'm going to the Coast to see the Carrie Underwood concert?<br />
<br />
ME: Where's Carrie Underwood playing in Los Angeles??<br />
<br />
STUNNED, CONFUSED LOOK.<br />
<br />
HIM: No no, I'm going to <i>the Coast</i> to see her.<br />
<br />
ME: WHAT coast? <br />
<br />
A MORE CONFUSED LOOK.<br />
<br />
HIM: Vancouver.<br />
<br />
STILL LOOKING CONFUSED AND SCARED I AM HIGH ON CRACK.<br />
<br />
ME: Well, <i>my</i> coast is in Los Angeles, so when you say the Coast, that's what I thought you meant.<br />
<br />
HIM: Oh. (considers this sage piece of wisdom and nods his head) I get it.<br />
<br />
ME: Next time, just tell me your going to Vancouver.<br />
<br />
HIM: Ok. What's your fucking problem today??<br />
<br />
<br />
I have decided to single-handedly go on a mission to educate everyone out there who insist on continually using this phrase, "The Coast".<br />
<br />
So in the future, when your going away somewhere, mention the fucking city by name, so I don't have to spend time figuring out why you flunked geography.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-20376184628314525992010-12-11T00:56:00.000-08:002010-12-11T13:10:12.987-08:00Caller IDOK. No more restaurant stories for a bit...<br />
<br />
I love technology.<br />
<br />
But sometimes, it's annoying. Especially Caller ID.<br />
<br />
Caller ID annoys me to no end.<br />
<br />
I long for the days that when you called someone and if they weren't home, that was all there was to it. Complete anonymity.<br />
<br />
Now, every asshole knows when you call them; and worse, has your number.<br />
<br />
Case in point:<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago I'm buying some useless shit on Craigslist. I make about 20 assorted calls, and for the most part no one is around to take my calls. I don't ever leave a message because, hey, it's Craigslist.<br />
<br />
No problem. It's a busy time of year and everyone has stuff to do.<br />
<br />
But later in the day after making these calls, my phone rings. I don't recognize the number and go through the regular "who the fuck is this" in my head when I look at the phone caller ID.<br />
<br />
I decide to pick up.<br />
<br />
ME: Hello?<br />
<br />
CALLER: Hi. Who's this?<br />
<br />
ME: Well, who's this?<br />
<br />
CALLER: Someone called me from this number.<br />
<br />
ME: So?<br />
<br />
CALLER: So, who is this?<br />
<br />
ME: It's no one in particular.<br />
<br />
CALLER: Well, who are you?<br />
<br />
ME: Well, who are YOU?<br />
<br />
CALLER: Is this a business? Or a home number?<br />
<br />
ME: Why?<br />
<br />
CALLER: Well, someone called me from this number and I'm returning the call.<br />
<br />
ME: Well, what do you want? And who are <i>you</i>? And why are you calling me?<br />
<br />
CALLER: Hey, don't be an asshole. <i>You</i> called me first.<br />
<br />
ME: You sure? I mean lots of people could have called you from this number.<br />
<br />
CALLER: What is this number??<br />
<br />
ME: The White House. In Washington, D.C.<br />
<br />
CALLER: C'mon. Who is this?<br />
<br />
ME: Barack Obama. Have a nice day.<br />
<br />
I hang up.<br />
<br />
Now this guy is going fucking nuts trying to figure out who is at this number. But, who gives a shit? And why does he care? Why is this so important?? If no one leaves a message after they call you, it can't be that important in the first place, so let it go.<br />
<br />
After an hour, because I am annoyed, I decide to torture this guy. I call him back.<br />
<br />
ME: Hi. Who is this?<br />
<br />
HIM: Um...who is this?<br />
<br />
ME: Someone called me from this number.<br />
<br />
HIM: Um...aaah.....<br />
<br />
ME: See? Now you know how fucking stupid it is to have someone call you up and ask a question like that.<br />
<br />
HIM: WHO ARE YOU??<br />
<br />
ME: I already told you. Barack Obama. Have a nice day.<br />
<br />
I hang up.<br />
<br />
So, when someone calls you, doesn't leave a message, and you don't recognize the number, don't be a douchebag and call them back and ask annoying questions.<br />
<br />
Unless you wanna look and feel like an idiot.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-80614213259902285462010-12-08T22:31:00.000-08:002010-12-09T11:42:12.351-08:00A Major Discovery...It's always annoys me when I walk into a busy bar and can't get a drink. I think, I'm here to spend my hard earned loot, and your not taking it. Why?<br />
<br />
Usually I get major league annoyed when I can't order a drink at a busy bar. I mean, what the fuck is going on here??<br />
<br />
When I want a drink in a crowded bar, my patented "$20 bill folded between my fingers resting on the bar" works sometimes, but is not foolproof.<br />
<br />
But: lock the doors, put the kids to bed, and settle in, because today, I am giving all men the key to getting a female bartender to get your drink order at a busy bar, way ahead of other patrons.<br />
<br />
My friend Tony is a bartender in a busy bar in Los Angeles. We were waxing philosophically the other night about busy bars, and how hard it is to get the bartenders attention so a drink can be ordered. How do you solve this annoyance I ask him?<br />
<br />
It's simple he says.<br />
<br />
If the bartender is female, look at her boobs.<br />
<br />
What? I respond.<br />
<br />
Look at her boobs, he repeats. No, STARE at her boobs. He tells me to stare down the boobs of a female bartender when you want a drink.<br />
<br />
I consider his take, and realize it is fucking brilliant.<br />
<br />
Women have an innate, sixth sense when guys are staring at their boobs. I mean, they put fucking Kreskin to shame when they just know someone is checking out their rack; even when they are preoccupied. <br />
<br />
Women just seem to know when some scumbag is looking at their boobs, and they wanna catch him looking. This built in radar they have is insane. It's really a freak of nature.<br />
<br />
I decide to test this theory out.<br />
<br />
We go to the Q Bar on Wilshire where there is always a big crowd. I sashay (I love using that word) up to one end of a busy bar where both of the bartenders are female. the bar is packed with a bunch of people around it trying to order drinks.<br />
<br />
While the Bartenders are not Anna Nicole Smith big, breast wise, there is still a lot to look at. I concentrate.<br />
<br />
I stare with extreme focus at their boobs. No eye contact, nothing. Just a hard boob stare. About 20 seconds into this routine, I look up and sure enough one of the girls catches my eyes looking at her. She gives me a "what's up you pervert" look, but we've now made eye contact.<br />
<br />
"Couple of Blue Moon Draft" I say.<br />
<br />
She still looks at me with disgust, but, hey, I'm getting service well ahead of the other guys.<br />
<br />
She brings them over and gives me a sneery, "take a picture, it'll last longer" look. <br />
<br />
I don't care. We have beaten the system.<br />
<br />
I think maybe we have been lucky after we quaff down the lager. A certain amount of skepticism creeps in. We want to order another round.<br />
<br />
So, I return to the bar and resume the boob stare routine. Sure enough, the other bartender catches me looking at her boobs. Our eyes meet and I give her the "2 more" signal and we are back in business.<br />
<br />
The other mopes stand around helplessly, trying to garner their attention to order a drink. They look at me and think, "Who is this guy, that got served ahead of us?"<br />
<br />
I am in awe. THE SYSTEM WORKS!!<br />
<br />
So, fellas, there you have it. A surefire, field tested way to always get a drink in a crowded bar when female bartenders are working.<br />
<br />
No, no. Don't thank me. Buy me one when I see ya.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-56752490540081242172010-12-08T13:01:00.000-08:002010-12-16T15:50:56.988-08:00I Get Banned from RaudzAs I said, restaurants annoy me more than anything. But in this case, the annoying thing was, we could not even get to sit down. Fucking hostesses annoy me because they are minimum wage kids for the most part, trying to do a big job like managing the seating. It makes no sense that teenagers should be there.<br />
<br />
Alright. I'm gonna let you all decide for yourself if I was out of line here. <br />
<br />
I am fucking clear on my position, but here goes:<br />
<br />
I fly into Kelowna on a Friday night and myself and 3 others go to Raudz. It's a restaurant run by a guy named Rod Butters who fancies himself as a Thomas Keller/Gordon Ramsay celebrity chef type. He's actually pretty good, but not not nearly as good as HE thinks.<br />
<br />
It's Friday, so when we arrive it's pretty busy. I ask the hostess how long and she tells me 30 minutes MAX. She puts our names down. Alright, I say, we'll be back then.<br />
<br />
So, the four of us go to Bernie's office around the corner and pound back some wine while we wait. After a solid 45 minutes has passed we return. I spot the hostess. I should point out here that I have now had a "few" drinks.<br />
<br />
ME: We're back.<br />
<br />
HER: Oh. (gives me a who-the-fuck-are-you look)<br />
<br />
ME: I gave you another 15 minutes to be sure we could be seated. Phil's the name.<br />
<br />
HER: Right. Yeah, thats gonna be a problem....<br />
<br />
ME: How so?<br />
<br />
HER: Well, it's gonna be at least another hour until we can seat you.<br />
<br />
ME: (Killer Stare Down) You cannot be serious. We were in here 45 minutes ago when you told us 30 minutes would be fine.<br />
<br />
HER: Yeah, sorry about that.<br />
<br />
ME: Hey, sorry 'aint gonna cut it. It's now prime time to get a table anywhere around here and I trusted you when you promised we would be seated in 30 minutes. It's now 45 and your telling me another hour??? We cancelled another reservation. (okay, I bullshitted here but wanted some dramatic effect)<br />
<br />
HER: (weak smile) Well, I'm really sorry.<br />
<br />
ME: Again, not good enough. How possibly can you fuck up 30 minutes into 90 minutes.<br />
<br />
HER: I'm just doing my job....<br />
<br />
ME: Your job?? Here's what your job is - figuring out when to sit people down, when they are getting ready to leave, and balancing times for the two. I mean it's really, really, hard to fuck something like that up. I mean you would have to work really hard to fuck that up.<br />
<br />
HER: Sir, please don't swear. I'm just doing my job.<br />
<br />
ME: No, let me correct you there. Your NOT doing your job.<br />
<br />
HER: I'm getting the manager.<br />
<br />
ME: You go, girl.<br />
<br />
The manager arrives.<br />
<br />
Without replaying the entire conversation, we debate what a hostess should be doing, how she fucked up our night out, and perhaps she should consider hairdressing school instead. It's starting to get a little heated, when Rod the chef/owner steps in.<br />
<br />
CHEF: Hey I've been listening to all this. What's the problem?<br />
<br />
I relate to him how me and my 3 friends have been waiting for an hour now, after being promised a 30 minute wait, and now being told its another hour. <br />
<br />
ME: I don't know who is managing this whole operation, but it needs to be reviewed.<br />
<br />
(stare from the manager that could stop traffic)<br />
<br />
CHEF: Hold on there.<br />
<br />
He takes the manager aside, and the next thing we know we are being seated.<br />
<br />
I am very annoyed at this, but somewhat revel in this small victory. My 3 friends all come over, and they all wanna know what the fuck happened. Bernie tells me I was flapping my arms like a fucking mongoose and ranting about something. I say no problem, we got seated.<br />
<br />
CUT TO THREE DAYS LATER:<br />
<br />
My friend Bernie is a restauranteur, someone who I can always speak candidly about the hospitality industry. If things are shitty at his joint I tell him and he takes it like a man. No dopey explanations for the most part. Although, sometimes he probably wants to drift me one in the teeth.<br />
<br />
He is well known in Kelowna in the service business. He calls me a few days after eating at Raudz.<br />
<br />
Bernie: Philly-boy. Rod Butters was in our place for a beer today.<br />
<br />
ME: I hope you charged that douchebag double, ha ha.<br />
<br />
Bernie: No, but your officially BANNED from Raudz.<br />
<br />
ME: Are you fucking kidding me??<br />
<br />
Bernie: Yeah apparently, the hostess AND manager almost quit that night.<br />
<br />
ME: For what, being useless?? <br />
<br />
Bernie: No, for him giving you a table after abusing them. You should apologize. I didn't hear it, but I know what you get like.<br />
<br />
ME: Fuck them all, I say.<br />
<br />
I hang up.<br />
<br />
But, then anger and emotion subside and I think about it. I <i>was</i> a little lit up. I was tired after flying, hungry, and had a buzz going. Three bad combinations for me. Not to mention annoyed.<br />
<br />
The restaurant isn't half bad, and most of my friends like going there, so I figure I will be missing out. Also, Rod is a friend of Bernie's as well. Makes Bernie look bad, hanging out with assholes like me. Also, I retrace my words, and decide <i>maybe</i> I went over the top a little.<br />
<br />
So I call Rod. It's fucking killing me, but I do it.<br />
<br />
I apologize, tell him my side of the story, and explain I probably should not have over-reacted the way I did. He accepts my apology, and tells me I can come back.<br />
<br />
But fuck him. <br />
<br />
I feel so high and mighty now, <i>I</i> <i>decide</i> I'm not going back until I feel like it.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-34506210484197833732010-12-07T19:42:00.000-08:002010-12-08T17:15:29.146-08:00More Restaurant BullshitI go to another restaurant at the "famous" Eldorado Hotel.<br />
<br />
Twice a year, I try this place to see if anything has improved. Usually, I am disappointed. I get sucked in by people telling me, "try it, they have a new chef" or "the new menu is really good". I wanna believe, but rare is the occasion when they deliver. But we try it anyway.<br />
<br />
We sit down and order $28 and $38 entrees. Me lamb, her tuna.<br />
<br />
The server fancies himself a guy who was transferred from the Plaza Hotel in New York especially for this vocation.<br />
<br />
He is ok, but not what you would expect in a place that charges like they do.<br />
<br />
The food arrives.<br />
<br />
Mine is actually not bad, but certainly not worthy of $38, For that, I wanna be blown away; I wanna pound the table and say, "That was the best fucking lamb I've ever tasted" and piss in my pants with sheer culinary pleasure.<br />
<br />
She says to me, "taste this tuna". I take a bit of the "seared" tuna that was obviously done in a microwave. I mean, Charlie the Tuna would have been embarrassed. It's way overdone, tasteless and downright horrible.<br />
<br />
The server comes by to check on us with the obligatory "how's everything?" I tell him the tuna is awful, not acceptable.<br />
<br />
So, a funny look comes over his face. Almost like he's high on acid or something. <br />
<br />
"Oh, thats too bad" he says.<br />
<br />
"Well, take it back" I tell him.<br />
<br />
HIM: Um, ok. Do you want to order anything else?<br />
<br />
ME: No, she can have some of mine as we would like to eat together.<br />
<br />
He Shrugs.<br />
<br />
HIM: Well, what are you going to do?<br />
<br />
ME: I'll tell you what, first tell the White Spot re-tread who cooked this, that he should be embarrassed to even send this out. Then tell your manager.<br />
<br />
He <i>still </i>has this glazed look and loopy smile on his face.<br />
<br />
HIM: Uh, ok. What can you do?<br />
<br />
ME: What can you do? You work here. Let these people know whats going on.<br />
<br />
He doesn't say "let me take that off the bill", or "let me buy you a dessert", nothing. I don't bring it up because I want to see if we get charged.<br />
<br />
The bill comes and the tuna is on the bill.<br />
<br />
So, I sign the bill, leave $0 on the tip line in bold printing and we go to the lounge right next door to the restaurant.<br />
<br />
Ok - so although I'm annoyed at all this I feel a bit of retribution stiffing this asshole.<br />
<br />
Cut to 15 minutes later:<br />
<br />
The server is walking through the lounge and spots me. He walks over.<br />
<br />
"Hey, did you guys leave a cash tip on the table, because if you did, I think the busboy or someone picked it up"<br />
<br />
ME: Are you fucking kidding me?<br />
<br />
HIM: Well you didn't leave a tip, and I KNOW you didn't want to do that, so I thought you might have left some cash on the table and someone else picked it up. Just checking.<br />
<br />
ME: Hey, Pal you have balls the size of grapefruits walking in here and even LOOKING at me, much less talking to me. You shouldn't even be serving at a Denny's. Think about your table with us tonight and you'll figure it out why you got nothing.<br />
<br />
Suddenly, the dopey look is gone. He's been called out. He kind of gets it, but I'm not sure. It annoys me to no end that servers expect an automatic tip for doing a shitty job. <br />
<br />
I am blown away by all of this, and pop down a double shot to make sure I'm not dreaming.<br />
<br />
I have not been back to eat there since, despite all the "they have turned it around" and "there's a new chef" bullshit I am handed every summer.<br />
<br />
I am too fucking annoyed to even consider these assholes.<br />
<br />
Fuck them forever.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-31835921063274835852010-12-07T19:17:00.000-08:002010-12-08T17:19:45.888-08:00Sports on TVNo, not the actual production of sports on TV, jackass.<br />
<br />
This annoyed me to the point of threatening to blow up Rogers Cable. Seriously.<br />
<br />
The World Series and Baseball playoffs are on last October in Kelowna. So, naturally, I'm excited to watch all the action. After all, the Yankees/Rangers series promises to be a classic.<br />
<br />
I settle in 20 minutes before gametime with the beer, chips, and other salt free snacks (yeah, sure) and turn on the TV. No pregame is on any channel. <br />
<br />
I frantically begin surfing every known channel including the Gay/Lesbian channel (after all San Francisco is also in the playoffs) trying to find the game.<br />
<br />
Nothing.<br />
<br />
I go through the channel guide and internet; then when nothing is found I call Rogers Cable, the local cable system. What the fuck? I say to them.<br />
<br />
"Oh," the operator tells me, "we've had quite a few calls about this" No kidding. <br />
<br />
"Yes the game will be on AFTER the Hockey Game." she says. Oh, great - maybe at best we can watch a couple of later innings.<br />
<br />
OK, Rogers, so lemme get this straight. We gotta watch the fifth game of the NHL season, a classic matchup between Nashville and Buffalo, instead of a baseball playoff game?<br />
<br />
"Yep," she says. "Thats the rules". Yeah, what rules??<br />
<br />
Without debating this issue, (after all, the operator moron is not about to go "just a minute sir, I'll get that game on right away") I frantically get myself together and bolt out to watch the game at the closest bar. Let me list this so you can understand better:<br />
<br />
1st Bar: Nope we don't have the game in our dish package<br />
2nd Bar: Same as above.<br />
3rd Bar: "Yeah, we got the game on our system but theres a hockey game on."<br />
<br />
Me: Killer Stare, followed by "are you ab-so-fucking-lutely- serious?<br />
Them: "Yeah, we got a hockey game on and we can only run one channel at a time."<br />
<br />
4th Bar: "Yeah, we had a few calls about this, but there's a hockey game on." He sees in my face I'm gonna launch a tirade on him so he says, "Hey Man, it's a hockey town, and people will leave if I turn on baseball"<br />
<br />
5th Bar: They at least TRY. After 10 minutes of fiddling with the satellite, and people staring at me like I'm a crazed lunatic, they say no luck. I throw the guy $20 for his effort and carry on.<br />
<br />
6th Bar: SUCCESS! But, I have to buy all the morons watching curling or some other shit each a beer as a bribe. No problem. One of them actually asks who is playing. I ask the bartender to turn up the sound. He gives me a "don't push your luck" look.<br />
<br />
All this to watch a baseball game in Kelowna. I mean, I'm gonna write the Rangers and Yankees to let them know what I went through to watch this game. Perhaps they will fly me out to throw out the first pitch or something.<br />
<br />
It annoys me that a city of 150,000 plus can't figure out what MILLIONS already have: when a big sporting event is on, show the fucking thing!! <br />
<br />
It annoys me more that Rogers Cable regularly fucks their customers on a regular basis.<br />
<br />
P.S. I ended up trading about 2,000 emails with Rogers until they blocked me from their system. Without going into their "local broadcasting commitment policy" in detail, their explanation still made no sense.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-16054832123133288712010-12-07T15:33:00.000-08:002010-12-08T17:24:02.705-08:00"Seasonal Vegetables"Fucking restaurants are the main source of things that annoy me.<br />
<br />
They opened up a restaurant last summer called the Cabana Grill. We decide to go in July.<br />
<br />
It's a nice joint inside, and very stylishly decorated. Lots of beautiful people showing off their "Ross for Less" outfits.<br />
<br />
The prices they charge at this place are not similar to Denny's or IHOP. In fact, I venture to say they are high end. One of the pricier places in town. Accordingly, you expect the service, and the servers to be top notch.<br />
<br />
Nope.<br />
<br />
So this first time we go we have a cheery server, who is almost like a giggling schoolgirl. She's about 25 and clearly just excited to have a job where filing is not involved. She's doing ok until we get ready to order. She rattles off the special; "oh, and tonight we have a pork tenderloin in a red wine sauce, served with seasonal vegetables"<br />
<br />
Nice job on the memorization, Toots - you only looked at your notes once to remember this one sentence.<br />
<br />
I decide to be funny, and with a serious face say to her, "what <i>season</i> are the vegetables from?" <br />
<br />
Blank Stare.<br />
<br />
HER: "What?"<br />
<br />
ME: "I said what <i>season </i>are the vegetables from?"<br />
<br />
HER: "umm... hold on a minute and I'll go check with the Chef."<br />
<br />
We all look at each other while she runs off, trying not to fall off out stools with convulsive laughter.<br />
<br />
She comes back.<br />
<br />
HER: "the Vegetables are <i>summer</i> vegetables" she declares with triumph. I thank her for the clarification and decide to order a gourmet pizza instead. Tough to fuck that up.<br />
<br />
OK. <br />
<br />
So about a month later we return after having an average meal the first time, and decide to give the food another whirl. We sit down in the same table, and I half expect we get the same server, but it's a different one, about the same age.<br />
<br />
She gets ready to take our order, and starts in with the "special" schtick. <br />
<br />
HER: "Tonight we are offering a grilled lamb chop which is also served with seasonal vegetables." <br />
<br />
So far, so good. This server doesn't even look at her notes.<br />
<br />
ME: "What<i> season</i> are the vegetables from"<br />
<br />
BLANK STARE - looks around nervously.<br />
<br />
HER: "um... I think carrots and potatoes"<br />
<br />
ME: "really??? Are carrots and potatoes a season now??"<br />
<br />
Another Blank Stare, bordering on panic...<br />
<br />
HER: "what do you mean?"<br />
<br />
ME: "you said <i>seasonal</i> vegetables, and I am wondering what season they are from" <br />
<br />
HER (grabbing another server walking by) "Hey Cassie, what season are the vegetables from"<br />
<br />
OTHER SERVER: "uh, I'm not sure ask the kitchen"<br />
<br />
By now we are all trying to keep it together. I am certain at least 2 of my guests are biting their lip so hard to keep from laughing, their fucking jaw is going to seize up. <br />
<br />
I mean not one, but 2 idiots trying to determine in the middle of summer, what season the vegetables they are serving are from.<br />
<br />
I tell her never mind, as I am going to order the sliders anyway.<br />
<br />
So, a note to all you restauranteurs out there: if you don't want to annoy not just me, but the rest of us, when you decide to charge $25 an entree, spend a little time with the boneheads delivering the plates to us. TRAIN them a little more than just throwing them an apron and a nametag.<br />
<br />
Maybe then we'll come back and not feel like our 12 year old daughter could do better serving us mac and cheese at home.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-21318838814489487922010-12-07T15:07:00.000-08:002010-12-08T17:26:30.853-08:00Sports RadioI LOVE sports radio.<br />
<br />
Especially the Jim Rome show. But mostly, I love when people call in to weigh in on the latest events.<br />
<br />
But here's what really annoys me...<br />
<br />
A guy calls in to the Rome Show today talking about the Denver Broncos Football Team. Every second word is "we" and "our" He says "WE have to shore up our defense" and "OUR coach should have been fired a few weeks ago.<br />
<br />
Really? <br />
<br />
We?? <br />
<br />
Our?<br />
<br />
Hey pal, do you play for the team? Work for the team? Own the team? Is the owner cutting you a paycheck every week? I think not.<br />
<br />
So next time you people call into a sports talk show, leave the "we" and "our" to the good folks who actually PLAY for the team or work there. It 'aint YOUR team.<br />
<br />
Your just a lousy slob who watches the team on television or goes to a game when you get a free ticket.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7745425520894558324.post-593316820949024312010-12-06T11:04:00.000-08:002010-12-07T20:43:58.051-08:00taking a pissOk. We've all been there before guys. <br />
<br />
Your in a bar and have to go take a piss.<br />
<br />
You go to the bathroom, and your at a urinal next to another guy and your both a little hammered. The guy looks at you and says. "Hey you just rent beer, huh? Ha Ha Ha"<br />
<br />
Or the other equally clever line is "I guess this is where all the dicks hang out"<br />
<br />
So here's the challenge for all of you that have uttered these idiotic lines hundreds of times: if your gonna speak while I'm taking a leak come up with an original line that is actually funny.<br />
<br />
Don't annoy me while I am trying to get out of the bathroom of this shit-hole bar as quickly as possible.<br />
<br />
<b>Honorable Mention</b> goes to Bernie Wilson, who always yells out: "C'mon fellas, Chop, Chop" when there is a lineup for the pisser at a Rockets Game and he has to wait.Phillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07483813128941519433noreply@blogger.com0