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Saturday, December 11, 2010

The "Coast"

When I think about the things that annoy me, this might be the clear cut winner. I mean, the grand fucking champion of all things annoying to me. Ready?

The Coast.

Lemme explain....

In Kelowna, a lot of people drive down to Vancouver on a regular basis, seeing how it is only about a four hour drive.

But when they go, instead of just saying, "Hey, I'm going to Vancouver for the weekend"  or "I'm working in Vancouver"  they refer to that city as "The Coast"

EXAMPLE:

ME:  What are you doing this weekend?

MORON:  Going down to "the Coast" to visit a few friends.

ME:  How have you been?

MORON #2:  Good - spending a lot of time down at "the Coast".

I have been hearing this phrase now for 10 years, and every time I do, my pulse starts racing, my skin breaks out in hives, my nutsack tightens, and my blood begins to actually boil.

Lets start with the obvious.

When someone says they are "going to the Coast"  my first thought is:

Yeah?  What Coast?  There's fucking dozens of them, moron.

For instance, my Coast is in Los Angeles.  My friend Murray's coast is in Mexico. Old pal Nick's coast is in Belize.  See, we all travel there on a frequent basus, and that is "the Coast" were on.

But when someone says to me, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while", I don't reply, "Yeah, I've been down at the Coast".   I say I've been in Los Angeles, even though Los Angeles is also a coast.

Get it?

Slowly, I am educating the masses.  To wit, about 3 months ago:

ME:   What are you doing this weekend?

HIM:  I'm going to the Coast to see the Carrie Underwood concert?

ME:    Where's Carrie Underwood playing in Los Angeles??

STUNNED, CONFUSED LOOK.

HIM:  No no, I'm going to the Coast to see her.

ME:    WHAT coast?

A MORE CONFUSED LOOK.

HIM:   Vancouver.

STILL LOOKING CONFUSED AND SCARED I AM HIGH ON CRACK.

ME:      Well, my coast is in Los Angeles, so when you say the Coast, that's what I thought you meant.

HIM:    Oh.  (considers this sage piece of wisdom and nods his head)  I get it.

ME:     Next time, just tell me your going to Vancouver.

HIM:   Ok.  What's your fucking problem today??


I have decided to single-handedly go on a mission to educate everyone out there who insist on continually using this phrase, "The Coast".

So in the future, when your going away somewhere, mention the fucking city by name, so I don't have to spend time figuring out why you flunked geography.

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