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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Major Discovery...

It's always annoys me when I walk into a busy bar and can't get a drink. I think, I'm here to spend my hard earned loot, and your not taking it.  Why?

Usually I get major league annoyed when I can't order a drink at a busy bar. I mean, what the fuck is going on here??

When I want a drink in a crowded bar, my patented "$20 bill folded between my fingers resting on the bar" works sometimes, but is not foolproof.

But:  lock the doors, put the kids to bed, and settle in, because today, I am giving all men the key to getting a female bartender to get your drink order at a busy bar, way ahead of other patrons.

My friend Tony is a bartender in a busy bar in Los Angeles.  We were waxing philosophically the other night about busy bars, and how hard it is to get the bartenders attention so a drink can be ordered. How do you solve this annoyance I ask him?

It's simple he says.

If the bartender is female, look at her boobs.

What?  I respond.

Look at her boobs, he repeats.  No, STARE at her boobs.  He tells me to stare down the boobs of a female bartender when you want a drink.

I consider his take, and realize it is fucking brilliant.

Women have an innate, sixth sense when guys are staring at their boobs.  I mean, they put fucking Kreskin to shame when they just know someone is checking out their rack; even when they are preoccupied.

Women just seem to know when some scumbag is looking at their boobs, and they wanna catch him looking. This built in radar they have is insane.  It's really a freak of nature.

I decide to test this theory out.

We go to the Q Bar on Wilshire where there is always a big crowd.  I sashay (I love using that word) up to one end of a busy bar where both of the bartenders are female.  the bar is packed with a bunch of people around it trying to order drinks.

While the Bartenders are not Anna Nicole Smith big, breast wise, there is still a lot to look at.  I concentrate.

I stare with extreme focus at their boobs.  No eye contact, nothing.  Just a hard boob stare.  About 20 seconds into this routine, I look up and sure enough one of the girls catches my eyes looking at her.  She gives me a "what's up you pervert" look, but we've now made eye contact.

"Couple of Blue Moon Draft" I say.

She still looks at me with disgust, but, hey, I'm getting service well ahead of the other guys.

She brings them over and gives me a sneery, "take a picture, it'll last longer" look.

I don't care.  We have beaten the system.

I think maybe we have been lucky after we quaff down the lager.  A certain amount of skepticism creeps in. We want to order another round.

So, I return to the bar and resume the boob stare routine.  Sure enough, the other bartender catches me looking at her boobs.  Our eyes meet and I give her the "2 more" signal and we are back in business.

The other mopes stand around helplessly, trying to garner their attention to order a drink.  They look at me and think, "Who is this guy, that got served ahead of us?"

I am in awe. THE SYSTEM WORKS!!

So, fellas, there you have it.  A surefire, field tested way to always get a drink in a crowded bar when female bartenders are working.

No, no.  Don't thank me.  Buy me one when I see ya.

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